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Disclaimer stuff: Ten Thirteen Productions, and everyone else officially associate with CC&Co are going to hate this one. They own all of the X-Files characters mentioned here and might decide to sue if they stumble across this story. I hope not, because I've promised all my income for the next year to my dentist.

Usual and Unusual Apologies: This one's just disgraceful. I'd like to apologize to publishers of children's stories across the world, people with fond memories of Little Red Riding Hood, the makers of velcro, firemen everywhere, and people who are in the Navy.

This porn-full little story was inspired by a discussion on Xslash, but it was my own worst impulses that made me take the idea and turn it into full-blown smut.

Author: AnneZo a at annezo @ fastmail . fm

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FALSE ALARM

"What's that?" Walter asked the question against his better judgement. He wasn't entirely surprised by the bulky package under Mulder's arm. The other man had been wearing a familiar smirk for the past few days. A smile that signaled the evolution of yet another scheme to destroy Skinner's previously peaceful and orderly existence.

"Later," Mulder said casually with a smirk.

Walter shrugged and closed the door behind the younger man, watching as Mulder dropped the package in a corner with an audible thump when it hit the carpet. He decided not to show any more interest in the package. Mulder would tell him when he was ready and any sign of curiosity would only encourage him to some further excess.

"I think it's time to spice up our sex life," the younger man announced over dinner an hour later. He helped himself to a large portion of the tender steak and lavished a criminal amount of butter on his baked potato.

Walter watched the exhibition with awed fascination. The way Mulder ate sometimes, you'd think he'd never heard of saturated fats, or cholesterol. "I'm not going to be the Big Bad Wolf again and you'd better believe you're nothing like Little Red Riding Hood."

"It's nothing like that," Mulder said indignantly.

"Mulder, if that package contains any kind of uniforms, you can take it out of here right now."

Mulder grinned. "No, it's not the sailor suit I promised you." He chewed a large bite of his steak thoughtfully. "Yet. We haven't decided who gets to be the officer and who's the lowly swabbie yet."

We haven't decided? Like I get a vote? Walter groaned. He was not going to ask. It was too much to hope that Mulder would forget about it, but at least he could delay the inevitable unveiling.

"Aren't you even a little bit curious."

"No," Walter answered solidly. "Did it ever occur to you that I might be getting a little sensitive about these constant inferences that our sex life is boring you?"

"No." Mulder chewed a piece of bread thoughtfully. "I think we both know how much you look forward to these little excursions into the bizarre, no matter how much you bitch and moan about them."

Mulder's self-imposed mission to add what he called excitement and adventure to his lover's life was sometimes exhaustingly single-minded. "In your dreams."

"In my fantasies, you mean," Mulder pointed out accurately. He grinned challengingly. "Name me one you didn't like once you quit pretending to be a nervous virgin and got into it.":

Nervous virgin. Skinner let it pass, not without an effort. He picked up the remote control and turned on the basketball game. It was the one thing he could count on to distract his lover from whatever nefarious plan he'd come up with.

They spent the rest of the evening peacefully except for occasional disagreements about the progress of the game. Mulder had his usual suspicions that the officials were favoring the opposing team and Walter, who favored the opposing team himself, found himself defending almost every call. To Walter's surprise, there was no more mention of the unidentified contents of the bulky package, even when they went to bed.

. . . . . .

Walter was abruptly reminded of Mulder's unexplained scheme the next morning. The oddly package was laying prominently on the floor of the hall closet when he opened the door to get his coat. He wondered why Mulder hadn't taken whatever it was home with him when he'd left that morning. Apparently the younger man hadn't given up quite yet. Big surprise. Mulder never gave up that easily.

The package drifted into his mind at odd moments during the day and more than once he found himself speculating on what was under the plain brown paper.

When he caught himself making a mental list of all of the things Mulder might offer for erotic stimulation, he dragged his attention back to his job firmly. For one thing, the list was appallingly long. In fact, he wasn't able to think of many things his lover would be unwilling to try. For another, well, he really couldn't walk around the Hoover building sporting a full erection. People would talk.

When he arrived back at his apartment that evening, the urge to open the package was strong, but he pulled himself together and poured a quick drink instead.

. . . . . .

The next morning, he dressed and headed for the chill air of the parking garage under the building without his coat. He didn't even want to see the package in the closet. He was not going to give Mulder the satisfaction of opening it to examine the contents and there was no way Mulder would miss it if the wrapping was disturbed.

In fact, Walter spent an unreasonable amount of time that day not thinking about the entire subject.

By the time Mulder showed up at his door that night, Walter's patience was at an end. His lover was clearly aware of his barely suppressed tension, but he ignored it blithely. He brought dinner, Indian take-out from Walter's favorite restaurant. In spite of himself, Walter's irritation faded in the face of the obvious bribe.

Mulder settled in to watch an old movie while Walter worked his way through the inevitable stack of files he'd carried home from the office. The familiar sound of his lover humming tunelessly along with the commercials barely registered for a while, then it became an annoyance he couldn't ignore.

Walter threw down the report he'd been pretending to read for the past fifteen minutes. "Mulder, what is in that damned package?' he asked furiously.

Mulder burst into laughter and threw himself on his lover for an enthusiastic kiss. "Yes!" he crowed triumphantly.

"You're an asshole, Mulder." Walter's best efforts couldn't prevent the answering smile on his own face. "I'm willing to discuss it. That's all."

Mulder retrieved the annoying package and curled up on the floor next to him, pushing the coffee table out of the way impatiently. Like a child offered a second Christmas, he unpacked his treasures and laid them out for Walter's inspection.

Walter surveyed the display calmly. It could have been worse. A fireman's rubber slicker, complete with official insignia, matching hat, and a pair of rubber knee boots. All in bright yellow.

Walter gave the boots a doubtful glance. "We've already been here."

Mulder shook his head. "That was different." He smoothed the boots approvingly. "That was your mountain man period. This is much more civilized." He gave Walter a prim look. "You're a real brute when you get out of the city, aren't you?"

Walter choked and glared at his lover, remembering Mulder's own share in the activities quite clearly. If he could have thought of any convincing arguments, Walter would have denied any responsibility for his inexplicable inclination to go along with the roles assigned to him in Mulder's bizarre fantasies.

Mulder grinned and went on reassuringly. "You're going to like this one."

Walter groaned. He knew what that meant.

Why doesn't he just show up with a complete script so I can memorize it? "That's what you always say. What is this one? Noah and the Ark?"

"Animals? I knew you were perverse," Mulder said with satisfaction. "That's disgusting. Especially considering what you said about the wolf costume." He stopped to brood over the near-failure of that particular plan.

"Mulder," Walter said patiently. "We both know you didn't really expect me to dress up in that thing." He shuddered. "God knows where that thing had been."

"Yeah," Mulder said bitterly. "Well, we both know where it didn't go, don't we?"

Walter leaned back and grinned at him. "On the other hand, getting you out of that red dress was an interesting process."

"You'd think they'd use velcro on those damned costumes," Mulder said with feeling. Obviously the hefty damage deposit the rental company had levied still rankled.

Walter eyed the hat and coat with resignation. It looked simple enough. "Who gets rescued?" he asked, as if he didn't know already.

Mulder smiled brilliantly. "You want to hear how it goes?"

"I think I can guess," Walter told him. "You're asleep in your bed, the alarm goes off, and this strange fireman shows up to rescue you. For some unnamed reason, there really isn't a fire and we spend the rest of the night having sex." He shook his head. "Hardly up to your usual standards."

"That's essentially right, but you missed some of the crucial details." Mulder got up and poured Skinner a drink.

Not a good sign. Walter took a healthy swallow. "Go ahead."

"Just the artistic touches," Mulder assured him casually. "Like the part where I'm sleeping in the nude."

"How unusual for you."

Mulder grinned. "You're not, of course. You get to wear the coat and hat."

"Don't forget the boots," Walter pointed out. A thought occurred to him. "You mean that's all I'm wearing?"

"I figured it would save time," Mulder offered.

"Speed, naturally, being the primary consideration."

"You haven't seen the best part," Mulder said slyly.

Here it comes. "No one's using an axe on my front door, Mulder. Not even me."

"Of course not." Mulder shook his head. "You're getting a little carried away," he said critically. He fished in his pocket and pulled out a familiar packet. "Here's one." He tossed the foil-covered condom to his lover, biting back a smile.

Walter frowned. "Did I miss something?"

"Take a look."

He glanced down. Protect Your Plug! glared up at him in bright red letters. The packet was also decorated with a drawing of an enormous fire hydrant. Walter took a closer look. A condom. The fire hydrant was a condom covering an improbably sized erection.

He dropped the packet and buried his face in his hands. "Tell me it doesn't really look like that."

"Don't you think it's just perfect?" Mulder sounded disappointed.

"I am not wearing that damned thing!"

"You have to," Mulder said stubbornly. He held another of the small packages up, admiring the drawing. "It just makes the ensemble, don't you think?"

Walter stared at him in disbelief. "You know," he said with dawning wonder. "If you didn't already have so many other problems, you'd probably be a flaming queen."

Mulder batted his eyelashes clumsily. "You know, you're not very good at fantasies, Big Boy," he said, giving a creditable imitation of a seductive purr. He crawled across the outspread garments, his face alight with a wicked gleam. "Let me explain. I'm peacefully asleep on the couch and the fire alarm goes off in the hallway," he began.

"The hallway?" Walter looked at him in alarm. "Mulder, I am not going to loiter around the hallway of your crummy apartment building wearing nothing but a rubber coat and some boots."

"You're forgetting the accessories," Mulder accused. He fingered the foil packet thoughtfully. "Don't interrupt. You break in and find me there and I'm overcome by smoke inhalation, so you have to give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. You pick me up and carry me to the bed and," he shrugged. "You should be able to fill in the rest."

"If the apartment's full of smoke, why do I take you to the bedroom instead of outdoors?" Walter asked logically.

"It's a fantasy, Walter. Don't go all rational on me."

"Why do you have to be carried? Can't you just walk?"

"You're forgetting the smoke inhalation," Mulder said triumphantly. "And I want the official fireman's carry," he added firmly.

Walter looked him over dubiously. "That's going to be tricky. You're as tall as I am."

"You can do it," Mulder said confidently.

Walter shook his head. "I don't think so."

"How tough can it be?"

"Have you ever tried it?"

"Of course I have," Mulder said impatiently.

"With someone your own size?"

Mulder shifted uneasily. "It can't be that much different."

Walter stretched out on the couch. "Go ahead," he invited.

"Right now?"

"Consider it a dry run," Walter said smugly. "If you can pick me up and carry me to the bedroom, I'll agree to the entire plan."

Mulder fingered the packet again. "All of it?"

Walter shuddered. "Yes."

"Including the part where you break in?" Mulder held up his hand. "You can use your key," he agreed. "I don't want to have to pay any more damage deposits."

"That's impossible."

Mulder leaned back against the couch. "Breaking in is essential," he said firmly.

"I am not driving through Washington naked," Walter said through clenched teeth.

Mulder sighed. "Okay, you can change at my place. But you have to go outside and come back in."

"I'm getting the feeling you don't really want to do this," Walter said bitterly. He thought fast. Mulder's apartment building wasn't really that dangerous and the coat did have buttons.

"You're not backing out already?"

Walter put his hands behind his head. "Agreed."

Mulder looked triumphant. He knelt next to the couch and reached for his lover's arm, then hesitated and shifted position to sit on the edge of the cushions. Walter let his body go completely limp as Mulder tugged experimentally on one arm. The younger man frowned and bit his lip, then leaned down and tried to coax the inert shoulders up against the back of the couch..

"That's probably not how I would have started," Walter offered conversationally.

"Don't kibitz," Mulder said absently. He braced himself against the arm of the couch and pulled strongly on Walter's arms, managing to pull the older man up into a sitting position. When he released his hold to slide over next to the broad shoulders, Walter let himself slide back down against the cushions, his eyes half-closed.

"What did you do that for?" Mulder asked indignantly.

Walter opened one eye. "I'm being overcome by smoke inhalation," he explained.

"That was earlier." Mulder sounded annoyed. "You're not unconscious now."

"I didn't get resuscitated," Walter pointed out.

"That wasn't part of the deal. All you asked for was a demonstration that it was possible."

"I don't think it's going to be possible without resuscitation." Walter slid his hands up under Mulder's loose sweater, searching for something to play with while they talked.

Mulder shuddered. "I thought you were overcome," he said distractedly.

Walter pinched the stiff nubs and twisted them gently, feeling his lover's shiver of response. Mulder had extraordinarily sensitive nipples, a fact the older man had taken advantage of one more than one occasion. "Parts of me are less overcome than others."

"You're making this very difficult, you know."

"Are you going to resuscitate me?" He tugged and Mulder followed his hands obediently until Walter could reach his mouth. "I think I need a demonstration," he teased.

Mulder gave him a quick kiss, then pulled away. "Pay attention," he ordered. He shuddered again. "And let go of me."

Walter pulled his hands away reluctantly. "I'm waiting for the rest of it."

Mulder fought Walter's uncooperative body back into a sitting position and propped it up with a cushion, then leaned over and tried to lever the not-inconsiderable weight onto his shoulders. All he managed to accomplish was to pull the other man off balance. Walter collapsed ungracefully onto the floor, one eye on the coffee table.

Mulder cursed, then pulled until Walter was stretched out on the floor. He pressed his back against the other man's chest and wrapped one long arm around his shoulders. Rolling forward, he managed to transfer Walter's weight to his back.

With a heart-felt grunt, the younger man dragged himself to his knees and, one hand still holding his lover's arm to keep the weight balanced on his back, he began to crawl, slowly and painfully toward the bedroom.

"Is this the part you thought would be sexy?" Walter decided to abandon his coma in favor of conversation.

Mulder grunted again, and his body shook slightly.

Walter laid his head against the straining back. "I can't wait to see how you manage the stairs."

Mulder shook, then collapsed against the floor, laughing. "You asshole," he wheezed. "Get off of me."

Walter raised his head in surprise. "Are we there yet?"

Mulder choked and beat his fists against the floor. "Walter, I can't breathe!"

"If you can talk, you can breathe," his lover said unfeelingly. "I'll just wait while you catch your breath."

"I do own a gun," Mulder threatened weakly. "And I'm licensed to use it."

"So you are," Walter said cheerfully. "It's by the door, isn't it? Do you want to go there instead of the bedroom?" He nodded thoughtfully. "Fewer stairs, of course, but I should remind you that it won't win you the bet."

Mulder laughter was taking on a breathless tone so Walter relented and rolled off of the shaking body. He watched calmly while Mulder whooped and gasped for breath.

"You shouldn't bite off more than you can chew, so to speak," he advised. He stripped the helpless body efficiently, then retrieved the decorative hat and placed it firmly on Mulder's head. After a moment's thought, he slid out of his own clothes and into the waterproof coat. Why not?

He knelt next to his helplessly laughing lover. An easy pull on Mulder's arm and the younger man was sitting, an arm under his hips and he was hoisted ungracefully over Walter's shoulder. Behind him, Walter could hear the hat hit the floor as Mulder's head banged into his back.

"Whoa!" Mulder yelped. His arms flailed as he struggled to find something to hold onto, but the rubber coat didn't yield to his hands.

Walter glanced up the stairs, then licked his fingers and slid them along Mulder's exposed ass. He probed briefly and one digit slid inside warm body.

"Hey!" Mulder's conversational powers seemed to be rather limited by this point. His hands slid against the coat again and he tried to struggle. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I thought you wanted something to brace yourself against," Walter said helpfully. He wiggled his finger and Mulder choked, caught between laughter and arousal.

"Jeez, you really are a pervert, Walter."

The older man slid a second finger in to join the first and his lover moaned and fell silent. Walter grabbed the railing, took a deep breath, and climbed the stairs carefully. When they reached the bedroom, he pulled his hand free and dumped Mulder unceremoniously onto the mattress.

The younger man lay where he fell, looking up at him with a small, pleased smile. Walter started peeling himself out of the rubber coat. "Let me see," he mused. "What came next?"

Mulder opened his mouth. Walter stared down at him, eyes narrowed, and his lover remained silent. He slid the uncomfortable coat off and dropped it. "I think we forgot the resuscitation bit, so we'll start there," he decided.

He stared down at Mulder challengingly. "Any objections?"

Mulder bit back a giggle and shook his head.

"What is it?" Walter asked with resignation.

"Macho, macho man," Mulder sang softly.

Walter looked at him thoughtfully, then leaned down and retrieved the foil packet he'd stashed in the pocket of the rubber coat.

When he tore the foil packet open, Mulder's eyes lit up. "You're going to use it?"

"Absolutely," Walter assured him. He grabbed Mulder's cock and unrolled the hideous ornament down over the hard length.

"No!" Mulder grabbed but he was too late. "You're supposed to wear it," he sulked. He winced at the sight of his cock encased in the thick latex sheath. It was, as the package had promised, "fully formed."

"If I wear it, you won't be able to see it," Walter explained kindly. "I wouldn't want you to miss the full experience."

Mulder stared at himself in horror. "That's disgusting."

His lover squirted a generous portion of lube over his hand and slid it between Mulder's thighs. When his finger slid back into the warm channel, Mulder's erection, which had been drooping noticeably, began to harden again.

Walter knelt between Mulder's outspread thighs and replaced his finger with the head of his cock. "How much did you pay for those?"

"Twelve bucks." Mulder eyed himself in fascination. "It seemed pretty funny at the time."

"I'm sure it did." Walter thrust into Mulder's body, pushing relentlessly against the ring of muscle until it yielded and his cock slid deeply into the protected channel.

Mulder's hands clenched the blankets and his back arched as he cried out in pain and pleasure.

Walter waited, his hand fondling the soft balls that were exposed under the revolting sheath of latex.

Mulder gradually relaxed, his clenched muscles loosening enough to allow Walter to slide free a few inches. The older man worked his cock along the responsive path, gaining a fraction of an inch with every stroke until he was buried in his lover's body. His hand moving against Mulder's vulnerable skin kept the younger man fully erect.

"Take a look," Walter invited.

Mulder's eyes were tightly shut. He shook his head. "I can't."

"I don't blame you. It is not a pretty sight."

Mulder groped for his erection and Walter slapped his hand away. "I'm going to take it off," the younger man said indignantly.

"I don't think so," Walter said thoughtfully. "That would be a violation of the fire code."

Mulder twisted his hands back into the blankets and rocked against his lover's thrusts. His distraction was obvious. "It feels weird," he complained.

"Then I'd imagine you're enjoying yourself a great deal."

"Walter," Mulder whimpered. "Please."

"I could go get your hat if you want," his lover offered maliciously.

Mulder licked his lips. "Walter?"

"Hmmm?." The older man was cared less and less about the discussion as Mulder's body had its inevitable effect on him.

"If I promise never to bring you any ornamental condoms, ever again," he offered tentatively, but with obvious sincerity.

"I thought it was the totality of the experience that was important." Walter slid his hands up to cover the hard nubs standing erect on his lover's chest. He tweaked the sensitive flesh gently, then harder, relishing the quiver of response that vibrated through Mulder's body.

"I'm promising," Mulder said urgently.

Walter sighed and released Mulder's nipples regretfully. He unrolled the thick condom with difficulty, the "fully formed" feature making it more difficult than he had expected.

Mulder tensed a few times, then moaned with relief as the unpleasant restriction disappeared. "I hate things that are advertised as 'one size fits all'," he said bitterly.

"Are you going to pay attention or am I wasting my time?"

Mulder pressed against him eagerly, pulling Walter's hands back to his chest. "I'm with you, macho man," he said. His weird sense of humor had obviously bounced back from the traumatic experience completely intact.

That 'has' to be a sign of acute schizophrenia, Walter decided. He gave serious thought to discussing it, but the sight of Mulder's hands roaming sensuously over his emancipated erection was too distracting.

The older man let Mulder set the pace, watching the long fingers move over his lover's flesh in what was obviously a familiar and much-appreciated rhythm.

Mulder offered a kiss, sweet and hot and one hand fumbled against Walter's chest, claiming a taut nipple and teasing it urgently Walter gasped, lowering his face to Mulder's neck. The body beneath his was warm and hard and was slick with sweat. The air was full of the mingled odors of their separate arousal. He could even smell a lingering trace of the heavy rubber coat from his own skin.

Walter tangled one hand in Mulder's soft hair and pulled the dark head up for another kiss, his mouth searching the warm cavern possessively. Mine. An unexpected flare of jealousy as he thought of the others who had kissed that lush mouth. He bruised those soft lips with another hard kiss, branding the skin as something he alone was allowed to possess.

Mulder moaned against his mouth, one hand moving urgently across his own erection. The other hand slid around Walter's neck, holding the older man against him for another kiss. Their mouths glued together, the two men thrust against each other urgently, Mulder's soft whimpers muffled against his lover's mouth as his body shook with the force of their movements.

Walter's hand closed around Mulder's on the younger man's erection, squeezing until the long fingers slipped away and his palm was filled with the hot, slick evidence of his lover's arousal. He hand was rough and demanding. Mulder laughed and moaned, his body thrusting helplessly with the rhythm his lover demanded.

Walter bit the parted lips, muffling the laughter and his hand forced a frenzied reaction from the responsive body. His thumb caressed the swollen crown and pressed against the bundle of nerves under the head. Walter thrust harder into the warm body, his own breath coming faster as strong muscles worked his throbbing cock.

Mulder cried out, his back arching under the merciless stimulation. Walter felt the flesh around him shudder and clamp down tightly and a tight growl was forced from his throat as Mulder's erection shuddered through his body. Walter bent his head and lapped one hard nipple between his teeth, biting firmly. Mulder whimpered and his body shuddered again, the vibrations milking Walter's cock until his own orgasm poured into the welcoming heat. He hung there, waiting while debilitating waves of pleasure washed through him, gradually letting his heavy body collapse against Mulder's firm chest.

With a practiced movement, he pulled his cock free from the warm prison and slid over to rest against his lover's thigh.

Mulder's arms closed around him, one hand stroking his arm as they relaxed together. "I'd say that was a success," he chuckled softly.

Walter thought of his lover's unsuccessful attempt to demonstrate a fireman's carry and the appalling failure of the hydrant-shaped condom. On the other hand, he thought about the warm satiation that filled him and the pleasure of Mulder's familiar body under his hand. "If you say so," he hedged.

Mulder's arms tightened around him and he felt the other man drop a kiss on his bare head. "Macho man," he teased gently.

"A man who has been seen sporting a latex fire hydrant on his cock should be kind of careful about the insults he throws around," Walter reminded him.

"Very true," Mulder agreed. He yawned hugely. "Remind me, later, to tell you what I think about that little trick."

"I'll send you an e-mail to remind you," Walter promised drowsily.

Mulder fumbled at the head of the bed and extinguished the lights. "You do that."

Walter smiled. He wrapped one arm across Mulder's lean waist and let sleep creep over him. There didn't seem to be that much else to say.

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The End