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Disclaimers: The usual stuff here about how Ten Thirteen productions owns the people who are mentioned in this story and the usual whiney pleas for them to not sue me.

Other: Pointless e-mail story. Big surprise. Danger! Hungarian ensues.... Thanks go to Lynn for a quick beta.

Author: annezo @ fastmail . fm

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bare_ass: You're late.

tubesteak: I'm here. And I'm still not going to do any of those things
tubesteak: you wanted to do last time.

bare_ass: Try not to yell before you're hurt.

tubesteak: I thought it might be wise to establish some parameters.

bare_ass: Establish some parameters? Jesus, this isn't a Congressional
bare_ass: investigation, Walter. Lighten up.

tubesteak: Sorry.

bare_ass: Bad day?

tubesteak: Just the usual.

bare_ass: Shitty day, then. How late did they keep you?

tubesteak: Not late. After about 5:30, half of the group started watching the
tubesteak: clock.

bare_ass: It's Friday afternoon. I'm surprised anyone was there at
bare_ass: all. That place is usually a wasteland by 5:02.

tubesteak: Management is expected to show a little more discipline.

bare_ass: Run with that thought...

tubesteak: Try a little self-discipline for a change.

bare_ass: Ooooh...now *that's* kinky! Where would you like me to start?

tubesteak: Do you think about anything except sex when you're
tubesteak: travelling?

bare_ass: Of course I do. I think about padding my expense account with
bare_ass: bogus taxi receipts, inflating my expense account by reporting
bare_ass: tips I don't really distribute and knocking off early every day so I
bare_ass: can order exotic and high-priced dinners to charge against my
bare_ass: expense account. Like most government employees I have these
bare_ass: things down to a science.

tubesteak: Have you done any actual work yet?

bare_ass: Not yet, but I have fairly serious plans to do some
bare_ass: tomorrow.`

tubesteak: Where is Agent Scully?

bare_ass: You need to watch that name thing.
bare_ass: She's out collecting local color and getting acquainted with
bare_ass: the seamy dark side of Seattle's night life.

tubesteak: My apologies. I forgot we were pretending to be anonymous perverts.
tubesteak: By herself?

bare_ass: She's in her room watching Letterman.

tubesteak: Which is it?

bare_ass: Well, she ate all of her vegetables at dinner, so I gave her
bare_ass: permission to go off on her own this evening. Jesus, we aren't
bare_ass: joined at the hip or anything, Walter.

tubesteak: You should watch that name thing.
tubesteak: It was just a question.
tubesteak: What's wrong? Aren't the two of you getting along?

bare_ass: You know, the longer I know her, the one thing that becomes
bare_ass: completely obvious is . . . .

tubesteak: What?

bare_ass: She really hates to fly. We ran into some bad weather and
bare_ass: she got a little tense.

tubesteak: What did you do? Make fun of her?

bare_ass: She's my partner. Would I do that?

tubesteak: The more I think about it, the less surprised I am that she
tubesteak: shot you.

bare_ass: She's been a little annoyed ever since we got here
bare_ass: yesterday. I thought a few hours to herself might do
bare_ass: her some good.

tubesteak: And the more surprised I am that she's only done it once.
tubesteak: So far.

bare_ass: I think it's the doctor in her that restrains her. She knows
bare_ass: she'd just have to stop and patch me up.
bare_ass: I resent the implication that I'm hard to get along with.

tubesteak: The truth hurts?

bare_ass: And you only hurt the ones you love?
bare_ass: I like this conversation...I can feel that discipline thing creeping
bare_ass: closer and closer again.

tubesteak: If I start getting the feeling that you're typing with one hand,
tubesteak: I'm hanging up.

bare_ass: You can't hang up, we're not actually on the phone. You have
bare_ass: to log off.

tubesteak: Whatever you call it, I'm going to do it.

bare_ass: I think I'll do it, too. Let's do it at the same time, it's more fun
bare_ass: that way.

tubesteak: Why do I get the feeling . . . .

bare_ass: What? Go with it, Walter.

tubesteak: Forget it.

bare_ass: You know, the next time we have a little rendezvous,
bare_ass: it might help if you'd get into bed naked, first.
bare_ass: It could help the mood.

tubesteak: I doubt it very much.

bare_ass: Well, I know it would help "my" mood.

tubesteak: You . . . .

bare_ass: Yes?

tubesteak: I was about to say that what would really help you was
tubesteak: a gag or a pair of handcuffs, but it occurred to me that
tubesteak: neither of those would slow you down.

bare_ass: Can I help it if the sight of your typing incites me to serious
bare_ass: lust. Have you been reading that *Fun with Leather* book I bare_ass: bought you?

tubesteak: I looked through it.

bare_ass: And?

tubesteak: I wiped off my prints and abandoned it in a dumpster on the way
tubesteak: to work this morning.

bare_ass: Is that any the way to treat a gift?

tubesteak: I thought it was appropriate.

bare_ass: Let's try this again from the top.
bare_ass: What are you wearing?

tubesteak: A gun.

bare_ass: And nothing else? No wonder you threw the book away.
bare_ass: Here I was thinking you were a beginner. You're obviously
bare_ass: way ahead of me.

tubesteak: Usually.

bare_ass: Fuck me, you magnificent bastard.

tubesteak:

bare_ass: No dice, huh?

tubesteak: What the hell was that?

bare_ass: I thought I'd try something unexpected and inspirational.
bare_ass: Did it give you any ideas?

tubesteak: None you want to know about.

bare_ass: I'm running out of ideas, here.

tubesteak: Don't I wish.

bare_ass: Are you smiling? You have to learn to use those little
bare_ass: emotion-signals I explained to you last time.

tubesteak: If you send any more bald jokes, you're going to find
tubesteak: yourself sitting in Seattle until it snows.

bare_ass: Low. Very low. Let's try to keep the professional and
bare_ass: the personal separated here.
bare_ass: Besides, it almost never snows in Seattle.
bare_ass: And we both know you can't do that.

tubesteak: And, what would be stopping me?

bare_ass: You can play it cool for everyone else, Walter, but I
bare_ass: know better. I remember what happened the last time
bare_ass: I was out of town for more than forty-eight hours.

tubesteak: And that was...

bare_ass: Don't pretend you don't remember. The kitchen table.

tubesteak: As I recall, that was your idea.

bare_ass: Bullshit. I had bruises. Big ones. And if you think that
bare_ass: was easy to explain to my partner, you'd better think again.

tubesteak: Should I be asking why you dropped your pants for your
tubesteak: partner in the first place?

bare_ass: Although I know it's one of your favorite subjects, I wasn't talking
bare_ass: about my ass. My arm. Remember?

tubesteak: That wasn't my fault.

bare_ass: That's not what she thought.

tubesteak: Jesus. Or not what you told her, right?

bare_ass: Contrary to your inflated opinion of your abilities, my partner and
bare_ass: I don't spend our time discussing your sexual prowess. I didn't
bare_ass: tell her anything. She saw the bruises and jumped to her own
bare_ass: conclusions.

tubesteak: MY inflated opinion? Coming from you, that's not even funny.
tubesteak: I don't want to know what she said.

bare_ass: Sure you do.
bare_ass: She gave me some advice.

tubesteak: I don't want to hear this.

bare_ass: I explained that you were just happy to see me. She
bare_ass: suggested you try a smaller club.

tubesteak: I think this conversation is at an end.

bare_ass: I was just getting started.

tubesteak: Obviously. But if you think I'm going to sit here and
tubesteak: listen to you tell wild and improbable lies about things
tubesteak: Scully would never say, you're mistaken.

bare_ass: Names, damnit. If you think I went to the effort of getting this
bare_ass: computer set up and I'm sitting here on a dirty carpet in a dirty
bare_ass: corner of a Holiday Inn hotel room to discuss the weather, then
bare_ass: you're the one who's mistaken.

tubesteak: Why are you sitting on the floor?

bare_ass: The only jack for my modem is about ten feet from the bed.

tubesteak: They didn't trust you with a chair?

bare_ass: The cord won't reach. When did they start nailing down the
bare_ass: furniture, for god's sake?
bare_ass: I mean, forget that this shit is so ugly that you couldn't pay
bare_ass: most people to haul it out of here. I find myself wondering if
bare_ass: they really have a lot of trouble with guests packing their
bare_ass: suitcases in the morning, then grabbing the nearest bed or
bare_ass: table and tucking it under their arm before they hit the
bare_ass: check-out desk, you know?
bare_ass: Why don't they just hire a guy to stand in the lobby and watch
bare_ass: for guests who walk out carrying a chair that they weren't
bare_ass: carrying when they checked in?

tubesteak:

bare_ass: Are you still with me?

tubesteak: I was just waiting for you to get that out of your system.

bare_ass: If you'd stop playing hard to get, I wouldn't be thinking about
bare_ass: the furniture.

tubesteak: Are you naked?

bare_ass: That's more like it. ;-) Not yet, but give me ten seconds.

tubesteak: I was just trying to picture what would happen if someone
tubesteak: knocked on the door.

bare_ass: I hate to be repetitive, but if you'd stop playing hard to get, I
bare_ass: wouldn't be tempted to open the door.

tubesteak: You never know, it might be one of those geriatric bellboys
tubesteak: you find so appealing.

bare_ass: You mean that Daddy thing? Doesn't do anything for me.

tubesteak: We can add that to the short list of things that don't make you
tubesteak: think about sex, then, right?

bare_ass: It's you. If you sat there and recited recipes in Hungarian for
bare_ass: goulash, it would make me think about sex.
bare_ass: It's this kind of power you have over me.
bare_ass: I can't be held responsible.

tubesteak: You have a thing for Hungarian?

bare_ass: Have you ever listened to anyone who's fluent in Hungarian?
bare_ass: It's a very sexy language, Walter.

tubesteak: We had Hungarian neighbors when I was growing up. When
tubesteak: they said good morning, it sounded like a death wish. Not
tubesteak: exactly sexy.

bare_ass: What can I say? I like to play rough.

tubesteak: As witnessed by all of the whining about a dime-sized bruise not
tubesteak: more than five minutes ago, of course . . . .

bare_ass: I just like talking about that night. It's one of my most cherished
bare_ass: memories.
bare_ass: Can I have an instant replay when I get back to Washington?
bare_ass: You could brush up on your Hungarian between now and then.

tubesteak: If I'm not there, feel free to start without me.

bare_ass: Is that an indication of disinterest, or are you trying to tell me
bare_ass: something new?

tubesteak: I might have forgotten to mention this.

bare_ass: Mention it. Now.

tubesteak: It's a new rotational program. The latest management theory is
tubesteak: that those of us in Washington are losing touch with what's going
tubesteak: on in the field.

bare_ass: Like they were ever in touch?
bare_ass: Present company excepted, of course.
bare_ass: And this means what to my goulash homecoming?

tubesteak: Each Assistant Director is to spend at least 3 days a month
tubesteak: working out of a local office somewhere.
tubesteak: We've each been assigned a list of 10 offices and we have six
tubesteak: months to spend three days in each of them. Getting to know
tubesteak: the local staff. Listening to their problems.

bare_ass: What happened to the bureaucracy where you guys stayed
bare_ass: behind your desks and those of us in the field fought for
bare_ass: assignments so we could get away from you?

tubesteak: I'm going to remember you said that.

bare_ass: Are we talking spanking, here?

tubesteak: It's a program designed to reassure the local field agents that
tubesteak: the national office is in touch with their problems.

bare_ass: I smell something.

tubesteak: Is there a problem?

bare_ass: Don't tell me. Downsizing, right? You guys go out and tell
bare_ass: the little guys in the field that you really care about them.
bare_ass: That's to soften the blow when the pink slips show up. Am
bare_ass: I right?

tubesteak: I am aware of no such plan.

bare_ass: Right.
bare_ass: When and where?

tubesteak: What?

bare_ass: When are you leaving on your first goodwill tour?
bare_ass: Where are they shipping you first?

tubesteak: I got here today.

bare_ass: And, here would be where?

tubesteak: Room 412. You have three minutes.

bare_ass: Jesus. You're kidding?
bare_ass: Seattle? You're down the hall?
bare_ass: I mean, upstairs?
bare_ass: It's a good thing I didn't go ahead and get naked, isn't it?

tubesteak: You're babbling.

bare_ass: Tell me this isn't a joke.
bare_ass: Promise me that if I go knock on the door labeled 412, some
bare_ass: little old lady from Peoria isn't going to jump out and hit me with
bare_ass: her umbrella.

tubesteak: There are no certainties in life. You just have to ask yourself how
tubesteak: much you trust me.

bare_ass: Oh, I trust you. But I'm finding this hard to take in. I don't see you
bare_ass: as the type to play hard to get electronically when you could be
bare_ass: doing it in person.

tubesteak: Mulder?

bare_ass: Yeah?

tubesteak: This is your last invitation. If you're not knocking on my door in
tubesteak: less than two minutes...

bare_ass: 30 seconds. Hey, Walter?

tubesteak: Now what?

bare_ass: Can we try the goulash thing this time?

tubesteak: Bridzsben?

bare_ass: Huh?

tubesteak: Légy óvatos!

bare_ass: Don't tell me you actually speak Hungarian?
bare_ass: What are you saying?

tubesteak: Szeretlek. And hurry up.

****

The end

Bridzsben = goulash

Légy óvatos! = Be careful

Szeretlek = I love you