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"A plant?" Walter felt a stab of concern. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"It's probably the CIA," the agent said, darkly suspicious. "I've been expecting it. They're hoping to take over our charter. Either class=GramE>that, or our cafeteria. I've heard theirs is a training school, like the Bureau's Academy, except that to graduate the cooks actually have to kill someone."

"Agent Mulder..."

Mulder sailed on blithely. "Think about it, Walter. They could save a fortune on pensions. When someone hits retirement age, they pull him in from the field and make him eat lunch in the cafeteria every day. Boom. Inside of a week, the guy is dead. Twenty bucks for a wreath and they're off the hook."

"Do you lay class=GramE>awake nights thinking this stuff up?"

"Only when I'm sleeping alone. class=GramE>Which is most of the time."

"Is that a hint?"

"I wish it could be. Unfortunately, I already have plans. Since you saw fit to approve the local authorities' request to drag me back out here to fill in the blanks some idiot left in their paperwork."

"Well, I certainly appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to tell me you don't want to see me," Walter said pointedly. "How much longer is it going to take you to clear up that paperwork?"

"Any time now. We should be back tomorrow. You don't sound very disappointed."

"Possibly it hadn't occurred to you that I might have had my own plans for this evening?"

"What an interesting coincidence."

"Do you think so?"

"I mean, considering Jackson White just left here, complaining about the date he had to cancel tonight."

"No doubt he has an active social life."

"No doubt. And what are your plans for tomorrow evening?"

"Why this sudden interest in my schedule?"

"It's not sudden, Walter. I'm always fascinated by the trivia of your days. Tell me, in detail, how you intend to spend tomorrow evening."

"I doubt if the details would be that fascinating."

"Okay, give me an outline, we'll take it from there."

"Very well. I intend to eat dinner. Then I intend to spend three hours catching up on paperwork. By exactly 10:30, I intend to be having sex."

"This would be a good place to add some of that detail we talked about."

"I didn't arrange your return to Washington so you could spend this week with your seedy friends, Mulder. Be here by 10:15, tomorrow evening."

"Why so early?" Mulder snickered. " class=SpellE>Oooh...don't tell me I'm going to get foreplay this time?"

"Look who's talking."

"You know, returning to our original subject, it occurred to me to wonder why a man in your position has so much difficulty discouraging the supposedly unwelcome advances of one over-groomed subordinate."

"He seems to be unusually difficult to discourage."

"A tribute, I'm sure, to your many and varied charms. But personal experience tells me you can be *very* discouraging when you want to be. Analytical deduction leads me to believe you haven't really been trying."

"I didn't think he would go this far," Walter admitted sheepishly.

"I can understand your reluctance to take him seriously. It's like being groped by a Ken doll on steroids."

"Is this recent experience talking?"

"He wasn't serious."

"That's what I thought."

"It was just sort of a casual thing...because he had some time on his hands. Actually, I'm kind of insulted."

"That's interesting."

"No, really. Look at it from my point of view. The last time I met the guy, we hadn't been alone for thirty seconds before he was trying to wear my pants with me still inside of them. This time I'm relegated to an afterthought. I must be losing my touch."

"Possibly the result of that somewhat domestic air you've acquired recently."

"How did this conversation become about me? What's under investigation here is your inexplicable reluctance to reassign White to an office in class=SpellE>Moosejaw, Wyoming."

"Is there a class=SpellE>Moosejaw, Wyoming?"

"If there isn't, there should be. Send him out to look for it."

"I thought you were supposed to be working?"

"I am. I'm leaving now. Try not to get yourself into any more trouble in the next twenty-four hours."

****

Walter signed the form Kim had printed and dropped it in his outbox. That was one problem out of the way. Jackson White's transfer to Violent Crimes should be completed by the end of the week.

When the phone rang, he answered it almost cheerfully, expecting nothing more complicated than a confirmation of his lunch meeting with a friend.

"Good morning, sir."

"Agent Mulder?"

"In the flesh. So to speak."

"What is it?"

"Don't be so suspicious. Can't I just call to say hello?"

"Not during business hours. What's going on?"

"I think I've taken care of your problem."

"Which problem would that be?"

"The infestation."

"That's not a very professional way to refer to one of your colleagues, Agent Mulder."

"You know my motto. Truth and accuracy in reporting."

Skinner decided not to pursue that comment. "Do I want to know about this? Officially, that is?"

"I'm calling to report that Agent White has suffered an unfortunate... accident... sir."

"What did you do?"

"I'm hurt."

"Spare me the innocent routine, Agent Mulder. What did you arrange to have happen to Jackson White?"

"Actually, I think this falls under the heading of an Act of God. Or Mother Nature's revenge. He was wearing enough hairspray to single-handedly set the ozone layer back ten years."

"Get to the point, Agent Mulder."

"Yes, sir. Respect and obedience are my middle names."

"Are you calling to make a report or just wasting my time?"

"Getting right to the point, sir, I wanted to let you know that Agent White is in the hospital."

"What?"

"Yes sir. He...had a disagreement with some of the local wildlife."

"Agent Mulder."

"Yes, sir?"

"My patience is wearing thin."

"It usually does during these conversations, doesn't it?"

"The next sound you hear will be me, hanging up."

"Then you're not interested in White's condition? Not quite what I'd expect from you, sir."

"Make your report, Agent Mulder."

"Agent White got into some trouble when we were revisiting some of the crime scenes sir. Unfortunately, at one location, he lost a battle of wills with a specimen of the genus ' class=SpellE>Mephistis'."

"Would you care to expand on that?"

"He got sprayed by a skunk. I don't think he enjoyed his first X-File. He said something about requesting a transfer, as they were putting him into the ambulance."

"Ambulance? Why did he need an ambulance? How serious is his condition?"

"Oh, he's going to be fine. They're going to keep him for a day or two. He got a pretty good shot to the face. But I didn't think you wanted to pay damage charges on the rental car, so I didn't offer to drive him to the hospital."

"You mean class=GramE>, you didn't want to sit next to him."

"He was pretty fragrant," the agent admitted.

Skinner debated mentioning that he had already arranged a transfer for the younger agent. "That was hardly necessary, Agent Mulder. And, I don't even want to know how you arranged it."

"Just a lucky coincidence," the agent assured him. "'Necessary' is a matter of perspective, I think."

"I've already arranged for Agent White's transfer to Violent Crimes."

"Really? You mean Jamison gets him next?" Mulder snickered through the phone. "You really do have it in for that guy, don't you?"

Skinner ignored the inappropriate comment. "In any case, I told you I was quite capable of handling the situation."

"And I left you to do so," Mulder assured. "It's fate, Walter. Don't fight it."

"I don't believe in fate, Agent Mulder."

"Everyone believes in fate, sir. Some of are just more willing to admit it."

"You're very mystic today, Agent Mulder. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?"

"Just that I'll be staying here for a couple of days."

"Sitting by White's bedside?"

"Actually, there have been a couple of unexplained incidents in the past weeks. The sheriff is concerned that the original crimes may have been committed by a group, instead of one individual."

"And is that your professional opinion?"

"I'm still class=SpellE>kinda going with the demonic possession thing."

"I thought that was class=SpellE>disproven in your original investigation?"

"Yeah, but class=GramE>it's better reading than a bunch of kids on a copy-cat spree."

"In that case, I'll see you when you return, Agent Mulder. Stay in touch."

"You know it. I'll give your regards to White if I see him"

"I think Jackson White has enough problems without your bedside manner."

"Complaints again. You're a difficult man to please, Skinner."

"Keep working on it. You're getting there."

****

The end